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| A Wal-Mart worker died in a stampede. I am disgusted. My experience at Sam Walton's masterpiece did not end in death, but it was not much better. Greed and wrath abounded everywhere. And I'm pretty sure I got felt up. I used to love Black Friday. It was a time for me to unite with other shoppers in my quest to get great deals on awesome presents for the people I love. That spirit is still somewhat alive at Target, but Wal-Mart has just lost its soul. Actually, they lost it when they decided to treat their employees like vermin and eliminated effective quality control on the items it gets from overseas. But sometimes it takes a tragic demise to get a point across. I think I'm finally done with that place. The neatly stacked boxes and gleaming cellophane have a sinister glare about them now. I can't help but think about the abused people behind the cheap products. I'm not proud to be an American when I shop there. The ceilings are stacked high with avarice and excess and I can't be a part of it anymore. So Wal-Mart, it's over between you and me. We've had some great times, but we've grown apart. We don't want the same things and I think it's best that we both move on. Oh, breaking up is hard to do... | | |
| Every day comes with a new lesson, a new loss, a new opportunity to have an amazing adventure, and a new chance to find something or someone to love. So sometimes, I just go for it. I splurge on the expensive ticket, I take a risky shortcut, and I procrastinate on something super important in the process thinking, "Whatever comes, comes." Making your decisions based solely on the maximation of your personal benefits after a long time of putting others' interests before your own is rewarding and fun and thrilling, but at what cost? Against every inclination in my conscience, I decided to go to Vegas for one weekend of my Spring Break. I really wanted to get away from everything weighing down my mind in L.A., see friends, and just let go. But this is the holiest weekend of the year. Nothing sounds right about spending Good Friday through Easter in Sin City, but I put that to the side, rationalizing my behavior. "I can go to church there." "There is nothing wrong with occasionnally going out." "I haven't seen my friend in ages." "I deserve a break." After staying out all night at TAO, I got a much clearer picture of what I deserve. We went to Grand Lux (LOVE that place) for a hangover prevention breakfast and dispersed at around 6 am. One of our friends was nodding off during the meal, but he looked like he was much more lively once we were done. No one was the least bit drunk anymore, so we all went our separate ways in our separate vehicles. The same sleepy guy called us about 30 minutes later saying he had been in a car accident. He fell asleep at the wheel for about 2 seconds and when he woke up he was inches away from a concrete barrier on the freeway. He hit the wall and flipped over and landed upside down in another freeway lane. Car totaled, bruised and bloodied he crawled out of his window and walked away pretty much unscathed. While we were at the hospital making sure everything was okay, he kept trying to figure out the lesson. I came up with about 5, some that I shared with him and some that I didn't. 1) Make decisions that are going to maximize your certainty that you are living a life of purpose, a life that reflects your values and your heart. 2) Absolutely nothing lasts forever. Our most cherished possessions are trinkets just moments from a landfill, and our youth is a breeze that blows by so quickly before passing and never coming back. 3) There's nothing like your family. He was so hesitant to call his family, just like I didn't want to tell my mother where I was going for the weekend because I knew she wouldn't approve, and we were both being foolish. My parents love me and want the best for me no matter what I do, and I've never really appreciated that till now. What if something had happened to me and my mom's first thoughts were, "I didn't even know she was out there"? How could I even make room for that possibility? 4) Get your priorities straight. Today. 5) God will never drop you into an ocean without a life preserver very close by. This guy is going through something awful, but he has time to get his business together before going back to school and has a strong support system. Challenges come with a way through them, and a way out. Jesus paid the price for me and my sinful behavior. I didn't deserve such unselfish consideration then, and I don't deserve much now. I'm just glad that his patience and grace are more abundant than my common sense. And that my friend lives within walking distance of a church. | | |
| I've said it before and I'll say it again. Home is where your stuff is. That sounds materialistic, but think about it. Your bed, your car, your friends, your books, your creative work, the records of your accomplishments...those are all strong attractions. I can be having a crappy day and jump in MY car and be away from whatever is bothering me. And this is not the case when I'm not at home. I went "home" to Atlanta for Christmas and it's not over yet. I woke up this morning to the sound of my dad yelling up the stairs for my mom to look up something on the Internet. Could he not wait? Could he not use the phone? So I was in a pissy mood until after lunch. I hate waking up before I'm ready to, but my father is not considerate of that. He's not considerate of much, really. Yesterday was my late grandmother's birthday, and it's still a tough time for my mom. But he planned a trip to Memphis without her for the funeral of a friend's mother. The friend wired him the money for a bus ticket, my dad packed a suitcase, and then he promptly stayed out all night and spent the money on beer and only the Lord knows what else. So instead of a weekend off from his ridiculousness, he's still here. But there's hope. His suitcase is still by the door. This is not my home. My family is not really a reflection of the part of my history that I'm proud of. They have different hopes, dreams, goals, values. They have different ways of doing things and living life, and I simply can't be around it. I'm so much more productive when I'm not around them or their drama. I feel like I'm making enough messed up decisions without having the comfort of knowing that I'm not the only screw-up. The last thing I need when I'm wallowing in self-inflicted misery is company. I need to see positive people doing well, I need to see the me that I'm always striving to be, and I need to see how crazy my present position is so I can get out of it and get back on track. There is a lot more motivation to keep your room clean when the rest of the house is spotless. I mean that figuratively and literally. This place is a mess. No order whatsoever. And people ask me if I've tried talking to my parents or if I've tried to be a positive influence on my younger siblings. I've realized that all I've been doing is that. I've been trying to change the way they live, speak, eat, and think, and none of it has helped. My mother is in terrible health and doesn't listen to her doctors, my dad is still an unemployed alcoholic, my sister has 2 kids she can't afford by a man she doesn't love, and my brother is in prison yet again. The younger siblings have no choice but to adapt to their surroundings, so their daily routine lacks proper hygiene, intellectual stimulation, and food that isn't fried. I used to think that the reason I escaped that sort of life was to bring my family out of it, but I can't raise adults. If you can't change a man, how can you change a whole family? Maybe I'm supposed to learn from all those mistakes and do much better for myself and the piece of the world God will let me affect. It doesn't seem fair to my close relatives, and I've already had to deal with envy and the lack of understanding between people like me and people like them. But life isn't fair. We all have the opportunity to make decisions and change our minds and do the best with what we have. And what I have is not here. | | |
| I've started going to therapy, and I've realized something. My parents need help. I'm not trying to project everything that's wrong with me onto them, because that wouldn't be fair or valid. But I look at them and the choices they made while raising me and where they are now and things just don't make any sense. They need counseling just as much as I do. In super-brief update news, I'm looking for a job for after graduation (May '08!), still working on my stupid thesis, irritated with the ministers at my church, in like with the song leader at my church, sad about my awesome roommate going to England to study abroad next semester, scared about who they'll put me with in her place, excited about going home for the holidays, on top of my finances, loving the people I tutor, and in awe of L.A.'s overall crappiness as a city. If you're going to be anywhere near Cali, visit me! Help make L.A. a better place with your presence! | | |
| Yeah! First of all, do not see A Prairie Home Companion. About 15 minutes of the 2 hours is funny, endearing, interesting, or remotely worth watching. Lindsay Lohan has the opposite of the Midas touch on films these days. Not that she was the only thing wrong with the movie, but she has had a string of bleh things at the box office lately. I blame cocaine. It doesn't do good things for actors. Now musicians...that's a different story. I do have high hopes for several other movies this summer, though. I want to see Ocean's Thirteen, Sicko, Ratatouille, Harry Potter, The Simpsons Movie, and The Bourne Ultimatum. I've never wanted to see that many movies in the theater at one time. Hollywood is doing something right. I haven't posted in such a long time, so trying to catch everyone up is simply hopeless. I will say that my roommate issues aren't nearly as bad as they were last semester. Now the two people who weren't speaking to me are upset with each other, and come to me when the other is just too much to bear. They seriously need a mediation. And I need a vacation. Drama can really wear you out. I think I'll go back to posting whenever God reveals something to me, or I attend an amazing event, or when nothing in life makes sense. Nothing too spectacular is going on right now, but I have a feeling that July is going to be crazy. Excuse me while I brace myself. | | |
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